I'm so frustrated and confused and I can't seem to get around that to see the situation clearly, so I'm hoping you all can give me a little clarity.
We belong to an awesome homeschool group--it started as an AP playgroup and eventually evolved to a homeschool group as the kids got older. It's based about 45 minutes away, but you all know how hard it is to find just a couple families--let alone a whole group--that largely understands and even shares your lifestyle choices. It's a small group, about ten families, with most of the kids ages 7 and under. So...small community, crunchy, AP...very relaxed and comfortable, religously diverse and racially diverse (important to us, too, because my kids are biracial). We get together at least once a week, with other spontaneous gatherings, and we spend hours and hours together on those days. Very close group.
There are several other kids with allergies in the group, so there's a heightened awareness and a willingness to accommodate kids as needed. One of the kids has as many allergies as ds2, but, while they appear on tests as IgE-mediated, most of her reactions are more delayed. So, ds2 requires the most stringent accommodations. He is ana on contact to dairy and reacts to air-borne proteins; he's also ana to latex (contact and air-borne, although he can be in a LARGE, open place with already inflated balloons) and peanuts/nuts (contact reactive) and to bananas, avocados and mushrooms (only on ingestion). His other allergies are, as far as we know, not ana and only a problem with ingestion. When our group gets together, they've been great about avoid dairy, nuts/peanuts, and latex. A few isolated slip-ups with cheese and yogurt followed by passionate apologies and a discarded lunch.
A little more background: We recently had problems with a member that hurt several people--malicious back-stabbing, lots of lies and manipulations, just nasty stuff that doesn't belong around our children. Her daughter had a few allergies. Supposedly. A couple were life-threatening. Supposedly. A few others were mild and only seemed to require accommodations when she (the mom) felt like it. Sometimes she required people to bleach every surface in their house to get rid of proteins, sometimes she would pull awesome sob stories about a certain trip not being safe...and then sometimes she would go anywhere with no precautions, including grocery stores with open peanut bins. She could put the most incredible guilt trips on the other mamas when they slipped up and brought a snack "manufactured in a facility with...". Exhausting because it was completely inconsistent. She used to make such a big deal about including my son in everything because *sniffsniff* he deserves a life. Then, when her daughter's birthday came around this summer, she told another mama that she couldn't find a dairy-free cake and didn't feel like making the effort anyway, so she thought they'd just do pizza and ice cream and cake by the pool and not invite us. And then only days later, she was once again exclaiming through tears how important it was to include my son in everything. In the end, her lies about other things caught up with her and our group couldn't take the drama anymore. It wasn't a safe feeling.
Here's my problem: I'm worried that this woman's inconsistent use and manipulation of her daughter's allergies (if they even existed) have exhausted the rest of the group beyond wanting to accommodate my son. This is his community. These are his friends. He cannot spontaneously run outside and play with the kids in the neighborhood because they run around with cheese sticks and other lethal snacks. He doesn't get invited to the birthday parties in the neighborhood because the allergies freak people out and they can't imagine celebrating without balloons or ice cream. And this year was the first time we really celebrated his birthday; he's always been in the hospital or just out of the hospital around his birthday, so it was a big deal and we included his friends, from our homeschool group.
A few weeks after his party, several weeks after this other woman left the group, an invitation went out to the group for a joint party of two of the other kids. The moms decided to keep it simple by going to a place similar to Chuck E. Cheese. Which means that our son couldn't go. A few months ago, another mom had emailed me in advance, to warn me that her girls had been asking to celebrate at this place and she was sorry, but she wanted to let me know up-front so I wouldn't be hurt or feel excluded. I was fine with that--I had a warning and she acknowledged the possible impact. But, this other one, with no warning, including two of ds2's friends, and following so closely behind this woman who had announced she couldn't be bothered to accommodate my child, really hurt. They planned to go to a park afterwards, but, obviously, they couldn't give me an exact time, and it would be after the party, after the actual celebration, after presents and cake and kids playing together for several hours--that's not the same thing and they'd all have to wash up, brush their teeth and change their clothes after being in that place. That's a lot to ask.
A year ago, my son wouldn't care. But he's four now and he's started asking about his friends' birthdays. And we were at the home of one of the families just days before the child's party and he and my son played together all afternoon--and in the course of the afternoon, the little boy mentioned his birthday several times. Apparently, too, there was a separate, smaller party that wkend and this little boy asked a couple times if our son was coming to his party and I just quickly shifted the subject so my son wouldn't hear and so his mom wouldn't have to go into a big explanation.
There are several women in this group that I consider friends, close friends. I haven't had real friends as an adult (and I'm 38) so this is somewhat new to me. I thought there was a deeper friendship, that went beyond casual homeschool support, but now I'm doubting the trust that I had. I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much. When someone sends out an email to the group about a potential activity, there's frequently a question included about accommodating my son. Sometimes it's a choice between two activities and the decision is based on whether we'll be there, and more and more I'm finding myself pulling back because I feel like we're inconveniencing people. There's talk of doing an occasional cooking/baking day, all the moms baking while the kids play, and, gee, we could cook with such-and-such if ds2 isn't there or, if he is, we'll figure out something.
I love this group, I love these people and my kids love these people, but now I'm worried about investing too much and exposing my son to hurt feelings when he realizes how many times he's been excluded. They frequently express the desire to include my son, but I wonder if this other woman exhausted their flexibility and understanding.
Sorry this is so long, but it's been weighing on me for weeks now and I'm pulling away from a group that I love. Any ideas or insights?
Thanks!
Missy

:hug I have no ideas or insights. I'm new to the world of food allergies (and so far, she's only allergic to peanuts when ingested) but I couldn't read and not post.
I hope as time passes by and the group can detox from that other mom, that you will be included more. In the mean time, it just plain sucks. :hug

:hug I don't have any advice either but I hope it works out. It seems so unfair to your ds. I personally wouldn't pull back because he deserves to be a part of the group. I have never had to deal with any sort of food allergies but definitely sympathize with moms like you. I personally would do everything I could to accomodate your son. :hug
Wendi

Thank you both. I don't want to pull back for the very reason that, yes, my son needs this group. He's bonded with these people. My older kids love the group, but they have other social outlets. At the same time, I don't want my little boy to be an inconvenience. He doesn't deserve that. I want them to *want* to include him, to *want* to keep him safe because they care about him, not because they're obligated to or because I force my family on them, y'know?
Our van has issues right now, plus, in the summer, traffic on the interstate is a nightmare so I've been able to fall back on those for excuses but we're experiencing "withdrawal":o

:bump: :help

Missy, that situation totally sucks. You say that you're pretty close to a couple of the other moms. Can you bring this up with them, to get their opinions of the situation? It also sounds like YOU need this group for your own sanity -- I would definitely try to work on ways to get closer again.
Can you sometimes take the lead on activities, so that they would definitely be to places where your son can go? If you're not dealing with allergies yourself, it's sometimes hard to think of all the things that might cause problems. (Maybe to a waterslide park, or a swimming pool?)
My son's only 3, so he's not quite noticing everything yet. And I'm "lucky" because one of the other moms is severely allergic to a lot of things, so my group is very sensitive to issues of allergies.

Missy your post brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how you feel. For the first time, we're involved with a group that currently bends over backwards to accomodate our dd, and it would hurt very much to have her excluded on the basis of her allergies. It's hard to explain to a sweet 4 yo boy why he's not celebrating his friend's birthdays with them, I know.
Hopefully, the feelings you have towards these remaining women are mutual, and even more, let's hope they also saw this poseur woman for what she was.
I would suggest you continue with your homeschooling group, but perhaps also make new contacts within the allergy community as well. Just to round out the calendar, as it were.
ETA Missy where in Virginia are you? I went to college in Lynchburg. No, not there. One of the other places. The one on the hill.

ETA Missy where in Virginia are you? I went to college in Lynchburg. No, not there. One of the other places. The one on the hill. :lol "No, not there."
I'm in Northern Virginia, about 20 minutes from DC.
Wenat, we alternate planning activities. The problem is that the moms really are very aware of the allergies, and so the suggestion of unsafe activities is followed by, "or if ds2 is going to be there, we could do this..." and so I'm left with the choice of participating and limiting the group, or of cheerfully bowing out so the choice doesn't rest with us, y'know? And increasingly there are lots of gatherings outside of our regular day so the group is growing closer without us. And increasingly, our regular days include options that aren't safe. Or extensions into activities that aren't safe--like pizza, instead of a packed lunch like we used to do. And once a mom mentions the pizza, the other kids get so excited so if, when we're asked if that's okay and I say "Uhhh...no..." it will eventually cause resentment toward my son, so I tell them we have to get back home anyway, traffic, blah, blah, blah...and we go home or to our neighborhood playground and eat our packed lunch.
Lory, the other women definitely saw through that one woman and that's why they're so tired right now. They do need to detox. But I need to detox, too. Right now, they're detoxing as a group, and becoming closer and I'm worried this woman just destroyed their desire to accommodate us, if right now it's just too much. I'm frustrated, too, because this woman has infiltrated every homeschool group in my area, even though she doesn't live in my area (kind of creepy...). So, her inconsistency about allergies is seeping into other groups, which directly impacts how seriously others take my son's allergies. I'm angry. I'm sad.
There are several women I've been very comfortable talking to about *almost* everything. But, one of the moms who had the birthday party is someone I really thought I had connected with--how do I approach that? It's *her son's* birthday; they have every right to celebrate in whatever manner they want; they should be able to play with balloons filled with peanut butter ice cream without worrying about my son. I'm trying to reconcile their right and desire to just celebrate their child's birthday simply and conveniently with my son's need to be a full, complete part of a community.
Thanks for helping me work through this. I needed to hash it out with people who understand.
Missy

:lol "No, not there."
I'm in Northern Virginia, about 20 minutes from DC. See? I knew you'd know about that place, so I felt the need to allay your fears. As a fellow homeschooler, you need to know I don't wear denim jumpers. :loveeyes:
Lory, the other women definitely saw through that one woman and that's why they're so tired right now. They do need to detox. But I need to detox, too. Right now, they're detoxing as a group, and becoming closer and I'm worried this woman just destroyed their desire to accommodate us, if right now it's just too much. I'm frustrated, too, because this woman has infiltrated every homeschool group in my area, even though she doesn't live in my area (kind of creepy...). So, her inconsistency about allergies is seeping into other groups, which directly impacts how seriously others take my son's allergies. I'm angry. I'm sad. Through many other threads on this board, you know I know exactly what you're saying. This kind of person (and before I get nuked, I haven't seen one on this board, that I know of) is a danger to us all. They breed complacency and disgust in the people we need to rely on IRT.
Have you actually sat with the women and said that? "I'm worried this woman just destroyed your desire to accommodate us, if right now it's just too much. I'm frustrated, too, because this woman has infiltrated every homeschool group in my area, and her inconsistency about allergies is seeping into other groups, which directly impacts how seriously others take my son's allergies. I'm angry with her, and I'm sad that it is impacting my son's need to be a full, complete part of a community."
That is not a loony way to say it. It's genuine. And just from what you've said here, about pizza lunches, it's sounds like a valid concern.
There are several women I've been very comfortable talking to about *almost* everything. But, one of the moms who had the birthday party is someone I really thought I had connected with--how do I approach that? It's *her son's* birthday; they have every right to celebrate in whatever manner they want; they should be able to play with balloons filled with peanut butter ice cream without worrying about my son. I'm trying to reconcile their right and desire to just celebrate their child's birthday simply and conveniently with my son's need to be a full, complete part of a community. The birthdays you can't do much about. It hurts, I know it does, but the kids are older now as you said, and especially in a birthday situation, the kids are going to want things. The contact sensitivity is what nukes us. I have friends whose children have allergies very similar to your sons, but they can still play with us on birthday days without issue if they have something else to eat. My own child, howver, would have to leave a playgroup if someone busted out the peanut butter.
we alternate planning activities. The problem is that the moms really are very aware of the allergies, and so the suggestion of unsafe activities is followed by, "or if ds2 is going to be there, we could do this..." and so I'm left with the choice of participating and limiting the group, or of cheerfully bowing out so the choice doesn't rest with us, y'know? And increasingly there are lots of gatherings outside of our regular day so the group is growing closer without us. And increasingly, our regular days include options that aren't safe. Or extensions into activities that aren't safe--like pizza, instead of a packed lunch like we used to do. And once a mom mentions the pizza, the other kids get so excited so if, when we're asked if that's okay and I say "Uhhh...no..." Fight for your friends. Don't give them reasons to let you slip away. Take a leadership role, and fight for your son's place by leading creatively. I know you're taking turns leading activities, but you can definitely gently remind them that your son is planning to stick around. Never bow out. They're not truly accomodating your son when they suggest something they know is unsafe and then follow up like that. I am Scottish :irked: and I would take that as them asking you to leave that activity in the most polite way possible. Seriously: latex, nuts and dairy are not that hard to avoid in a homeschool group setting.
If you do it right, then they will see that it doesn't mean not having a life. They will see your son as a kid first, and an allergic person second. They do sound like they're getting complacent, so you're going to have to verbally confront this. I would be just as uneasy as you are at this point.
I'll be honest, too, I am in between here in my own life. We have a wonderful NFL playgroup, but my dd (the one with the allergies) is 6 yo and homeschooled. Everyone her age from this group is in PS now, and the rest are peers to my younger sons. I LOVE that I can go to my friends' homes without fear, but the groups are really becoming inappropriate for my dd. I have to find something for her, and I am not looking forward to it, for all the reasons you're discussing.

When the other woman has been mentioned, I've said how frustrating it is to realize that she's *everywhere* and how her constant presence compromises my son's safety. As you probably know, or can guess, the homeschool community here, the one that isn't in, uh, uniform, is pretty small. There's a lot of overlap and I'm not going to gossip, or try to discredit this woman in other groups. I figure in time she'll expose herself. But, yes, this smaller group does know that I'm frustrated and angry about the impact she's having elsewhere. I have not, however, asked them if maybe she's even temporarily exhausted their desire to accommodate us.
Like you said, it's the contact stuff that does it. Other kids have allergies, so the awareness is there, but the level of accommodation is so different. These women are very easy to talk with, but I think those joint parties following so closely behind the disruption and drama created by this other woman just did me in. It was too much to sort through. And then that was followed by so many plans that just weren't safe and I felt overwhelmed. I haven't had a chance to get together with these women lately and just talk, and so I've been feeling very disconnected and uncertain of our place in the group. But, I think I can talk about it from the view of exploring the impact that woman had on our group and whether everyone is just too tired right now to think about accommodations...I can see, too, that our absence would make them more comfortable planning unsafe activities because we wouldn't be there anyway. So, it's kind of a nasty little cycle.
My dd is 11 years old, and is in need of a peer group. So, I do need to find an outlet for her this year. Fortunately, she's reaching that age where she can play games or go to discussion groups or theatre groups without me hovering; in fact, she needs to socialize without me hovering (still getting used to that idea...). And there are a few groups forming for older hsers now that I'm sure won't be as accommodating of my little one so I'm trying to figure out a balance here, too. Fun stuff.